Greatest Joy

1 Aug DSC_0375

My lovely little munchkin made smile so mild,

Endearing his moves, blessed us, Thee so kind,

Melted my body into a lap, his warmth so Beguiled

Tears of joy were rolling, when I held my cocooned child.

— The day I became dad 🙂

DSC_0375

My Promise for our Kuku

11 Dec

Endless promises to be made,
Endless hopes to be laid,
Even before i saw, you made me cry with happiness
And when i did, it was limitless.
Nothing i could give to the one who share this happiness will be fair,
but the promise that i will always care,
which form it doesn’t matter,
for the action will speak louder than my chatter – is my promise to you ,forever.

Love

Kaps

Early morning dreams are really effective!!! Just promise me they are true …

1 Jul

… Had a dream in the wee hours this morning … We were planning to bunk the office and go trip to some not so famous place … Because only thing that mattered to us was our companionship.

Kakaji smiled and left to the kitchen with his plate of chopped vegetables and saying “office mein kuch critical fas gaya to”.

“Critical bhi hua to jayenge, tera backup kab kaam aayega”, i replied. My shout followed by Kumar’s usual supporting laugh and I woke up happily out of my dream. Even though just a dream, just for a few seconds, but i was happy. Missing you Sushil and Kumar.

There were a few stupid things about this dream
1. why everyone was chopping vegetables.
2. What the hell we all were doing in new zealand,  Onsite ?? together ?? same project ?? Naaah …
3. Well, idea of trip wont be in this list. And i guess you guys will agree 🙂

And I lost it again …

14 May

And I lost it again …

I know I got carried away but I dint regret it till we lost … then I scolded me for that shot and will keep doing that till I will get a good sleep.

It’s not every day that you are that lucky, and I was in all magical touch, could play literally every loose delivery out of the park. But somehow I trusted my mind more than my heart. I knew it was all stupid what I was about to do but I couldn’t resist and played a big hoop in the air, opposition all clinical in field couldn’t drop this chance and they dint. And I dint realized it was a mistake until in the middle of our inning we lost full side but one. I broke promise with myself and with those whom I told that it will be literally impossible for opposition to get me out and I will make it all boring for them. I kept the promise in first inning. But for second inning went all out of my mind with success in my hand.

Two thoughts decide the success in your life; The way you MANAGE when you have nothing in hand!! & The way you BEHAVE when you have everything in hand!!  

True for me not just for the incident but almost everything now … I need a break … from myself

Bel Canto

28 Apr

Bel Canto

I feel sometimes that people do have different faces. In fact they intentionally put on different masks for different situations to deal with different people. They don’t just lie to others but they lie to themselves too. It has just become the part of everyone’s life.

And living that kind of life, if you bump into someone, who is real, true to you and true to the self, you may not be able to digest it. But then, that quality life which that person brings to you, where you can share your real self makes you feel much comfortable that you no longer feel like giving time to anything else.

You don’t feel like hiding yourself anymore. You stop hiding your emotions. You start a new life where sharing true of yourself makes you feel happy even if it is something silly.

This journey starts little uncomfortable because you are not used to it. Your expectations start growing and it brings pain to you. Many times you are hurt but you feel that it’s worth. Many times you feel it’s risky. “Am I being deceived?” But the fact that suspicion may put an end to the world you have started leaving in, you leave it to your senses to warn you of anything fishy. And talking about senses … you are not even ready to listen to your mind. You are following your heart.

The best part is … you start knowing yourself. So far you haven’t been true to yourself. So this is a really new experience. People think that you are changing, you think that you are changing, pretending to be something else. But the fact is … it’s YOU, your real self.

And what you really do when you meet that person who intimates you to yourself? Well … you TALK. You talk without caring about timelines. Without caring about rules and anything that can stop you.

You always ask me why do I keep talking to you … flying kiss

My Last few days in Chennai ….

4 Sep

At times I was all alone and then again, at times I was rejuvenated and wanted to cash in all the time I had left with my friends in Chennai.
There was this girl whom I named as Dyno, even though she got irritated with the name but then I was in no mood to be serious when I was with her. She was there with me, most of the time in my last few days in Chennai with few outings or SMS chat and then rest of the time on ‘sametime chat client’. Sometimes I used to think that I was interfering with her personal life but I didn’t want this time to go by so just asked this doubt to her while we were in CCD. And this was the answer “Pagal hai kya”.

So I kept disturbing her. But she was not the only one of the group, who suffered my craziness for the last few days there. Those two who don’t need any explanantion for what they mean to me, were always the first and foremost receivers of most of my stupidity.

Last weekend that I spent there, we all three (Me, Raghu, Sush) were in Raghu’s flat. And fortunately, Raghu’s roommates all were out either to their Native or I don’t know where. So we were on a high at around midnight. We were not drunk but we were not less than drunk too. After playing some stupid gay pranks we started making fun of each other and then laughed uncontrollably to an extent that stomach start paining and tears rolled down our eyes. But really, there were no such jokes which led us to that happiness. What all we need is someone who could just let us feel that things are worth enjoying and there is nothing wrong in forgetting your problems from past and future for a little while. And like Raghu says “Big deal!!!” No worry is too big to stop us from enjoying with our friends.

Friends! God would have made this extraordinary relation first and intentionally made us imperfect, so that we should not miss falling for this relationship and appreciate his best creativity. He would have been so proud of his creation, friendship, that he did not even hesitate to make another one of his creation, the human, to be imperfect. Just as intelligent as Microsoft, first send imperfect OS to market and then its service packs as essentials.  

   Sometimes I really grind my thoughts on “what if I would not have met these two stupids.” It would be boring as hell. But most importantly I would have missed all those moments which we call life. I heard somewhere …

“ Life is not about the number of breaths you take every moment, it’s about the moments which take your breath away.”

Where will you get friends who can make you feel that you enjoyed a 5 rating movie even though it’s rated 1.5 by Rajeev Masand.

My time in Chennai was a comfortable journey all because of my roommates who despite so many arguments stayed together through good and bad times, my big team of mentors Ram, Vineeta, Mani, Sakthi, and then Dyno, and my lunch mates Raghu, Sush, Shimer, Nivi. They all made me feel like a family here that going back from here is the same feeling when I was leaving my home for the first time to join TCS, a mixed feeling of leaving home and excitement of joining my first company and bright career ahead. Yes, I’m feeling like I am leaving a family again but the good thing is I am going back to the family I left in the first place to start my career. Someone would have felt the same when he wrote these lines …

 “Kisi ko mukkamal jahaan nahi milta, kabhi zami to kabhi aasma nahi milta.”

Shimer and Nivi, you two made my time in Chennai much more memorable with your beautiful friendly nature. God bless you. I will never forget the day you brought homemade food and we ate like anything for the first and last time in Sodexho canteen. Even I never knew about your hands but softness of the cheese u made gave me a hint. Nothing else but good food is on the top of the list for Punjabi’s. And you gals hit the bull’s eye that day.

.

..

Picture abhi baki hai mere dost

Sush I don’t care what people will think of me but I want to say this in front of all that I LOVE YOU.” And one more thing I don’t like BHINDI. But teri banayi hui ki to baat hi kuch or thi yar. Really ek chapati jitni bhindi ko 10 chapati k sath khana koi majaak ki baat nahi hai vo bhi jab itni tasty bani ho.

Kumar I forgot the name of the object but remember the rest of the line … this object has fire at one end and fool at the other end. Shod de yar, apne liye nahi to hum sabke liye. Ek saal hamare sath jyada jee lega to tera kya jayega.
At last, to all my friends, you guys, to me, are as important as cauliflower in Saapad.

I Love you But …

12 Jul

Now every time we meet, we meet like strangers and need to break the ice. And this was just getting worse from every new meeting to every time I have to start talking to her, even if we stop talking for a minute or two. The meager chances I got to meet her and inadequate timing of the meetings with me, I just wanted to cash in all of it. So I was just getting used to breaking this ice.  

She was still silent with no expression on that calm and pretty face. It was as if in an interesting romantic Bollywood movie someone pressed the pause button. I was getting bored of admiring a single expression for more than a minute. “Would you like to try this?” I said with not much idea of how I will proceed.  

“What, tell me?” she replied with her face towards me but mind somewhere else.  

“You are pretty used to everything around you.” I said.  

“I am not getting you!!” face still towards me with expression of confusion and this time mind too I guess, because she understood that I did not make any sense with whatever I told her.  

“Yes really, it’s not just you, everyone is used to the things around them. Just imagine one thing around you, with not much attention, disappears one day. What will happen?”  

She kept silent for a moment and then smiled. “Bas ho gaya tera(are you done)?”  

It was my turn to get confused what she was up to as she continued “Nothing much will change, ok! I will miss you but will manage.” and she smiled again.  

God!!! She thought I was talking about me!!! No wonder she would have also inferred that I think she is not giving much attention to me from whatever I said to her. Though didn’t go the way it was meant to be, but I still found it romantic. She thought I am flirting but did not get angry and smiled.  

  

Many friends or kind of friends around me do say that I am a flirt. I am not a flirt (Make it a point in case you are one of them). May be I am too lovely for them to digest and they end up commenting me as flirt, in their confusion.  

I just smiled back at her and was happy too with what funny and romantic she concluded from what not so romantic I told her. And with that smile and filled with happiness I said,” Ok let’s make it little easier for you” I paused for a little laugh. “I am not Mr. India and will not disappear. You can think of something else now” and I laughed again. And she too joined me.  

I continued, “You just imagine of anything around you. And I will try to figure out for you, what will happen if it disappears all of a sudden. Then I will think of something and you have to figure it out for me. Got it?”  

“hmm… ok… How about sky?” she said.  

God!!! Sky is what she came out with!!! It takes Scientists and Engineers years, to make a Rocket and shoot it out of Earth in to Sky. But this Girl left all objects of Earth and shot her thinking out of Earth to Sky within no time. But now I had already taken the ownership to figure out what if sky doesn’t exist. And Boy!!! Isn’t this a question which interests me from my childhood? I was no longer romantic and was into, already disqualified due to my interest in cricket long ago, my scientist shadow. And so I replied her.  

“Well, it was really an open thinking by you. I mean it was great. But please change and choose something else or I will really bore you to death.” I tried convincing her and suppressing the scientist within me. But she seemed to get interested with this.  

“No, please tell me. Once picked… it won’t be changed. You should have told me the boundaries earlier.” She was euphoric now and gave a mischievous smile. It’s really surprising, but what interests her is what I ask her not to do! Just like the curiosity of kids, hallucinated, that hidden is more interesting than what is open for them. And this way she encouraged my scientist to speak.  

“Well! This is really a good question that what will happen if the Sky disappears, even though the question is wrong.” I tried making face expressions that what’s next is really impressive. And she too was listening to me with rapt attention and I continued as it was next to impossible for me to stop myself … my scientist.  

“To tell you why this question is wrong, first you have to answer two questions of mine. But actually the answer to those questions is not as important for you as is to understand the questions. So tell me, Think of something like cricket bat, a scale or something….”  

“hmm … pillow.” She said. I raised my eyebrows with a smile on my face and she figured out something.  

“Badtmeez! I din’tmean that.” She said again showing fake anger and smiling, this time even more.  

I laughed a little and my scientist continued,” Now a pillow has got a starting point and an ending point. All the objects are bound by this law of start and end, the limit. Except the Jyoti stambh described by our hindu granthas’ that in the start of life nothing existed but a Jyoti stambh which had no starting point and ending point.” And I smiled. Actually my proud scientist was smiling at the hypothesis of the Hindu Granthas’. Stupid me. But scientist was on.  

“So you understood what I meant for you to get from my first question, right? So here is the next, tell me something not contained within something else. Like, your 206 bones contained within your body. And, if I try to be a little romantic, your cute little heart contained within your body. You try thinking of anything bigger…”  

“Hmmm … how about Earth.” She said.  

“Good one, But this too is contained within our atmosphere. Think of anything else. Ok I will answer. Well!!! Nothing actually, everything is contained. If you say sky then it should have a limit by the understanding of the first question I asked. Remember, everything should have ‘The limit’. So it should lie within another thing, say… another sky. And thus all the skies should finally be contained within something which in turn should lie within something and we are in a recursion with if condition set to infinite. And hence a contradiction of limit and no limit. And this contradiction happened because we chose sky as an object and tried binding it with laws of limit and container which are applicable to things which exist. Sky doesn’t exist my dear. Sky or say space between any two objects, does not have any presence but it is actually the absence of everything, a pure vacuum.” And I smiled, thinking that I explained in such a great way that she would have understood everything from a mad scientist of zero accomplishments.  

And then my scientist went to sleep. It was only then I realized that may be I am screwing up the little time I got to spend with her. I looked at her but was not able to figure out anything. My nonsense scientist left me senseless. She was looking towards me, but may be with confusion. Either she was trying to understand the things that I told her or most probably thinking that I am mad. So I started again.  

“Well to make it simple Sky and Love are just the same.” And waited for her to speak.  

She smiled. From the little she knew me she figured out that I am about to narrate a story now. And she showed her interest as she said,” And how is that?” and she kept looking at me smiling.  

“Well, people think that love exists between two people, but no one can limit it or contain it. But it’s actually hearts within their bodies that want each other closer as if vacuum gets created between them. And no other object can come between the two lovely hearts. And because of that vacuum which we name love, the hearts just get closer to each other. And just to avoid the collision one heart has to keep revolving around the other in Love, just like moon keeps revolving around Earth in the … Sky.”  

I was smiling now, little satisfied that I might have made her feel better. And then had more of her look to see how she is feeling about it. And she was smiling and face coming towards me. Then I noticed that It was not just face she was turning completely towards me and bending closer to me, she raised her right hand to caress my hair and then caress my right cheek. And it felt like heaven. And next moment I was on cloud nine when she said this.  

“Kaps… You are such a nerd.” And she laughed. “But … I love you” and she smiled cheeks more pinky now. She removed her hand from my face and went a little back to her seat slowly, still smiling and shy.  

Boy!!! Did she just say that or was it just my imagination! Ignoring everyone around I shouted “Say it again. Poochi say it again please.”  

“I love you … but.” And her face went down and smile too.  

“But kya? I shouted again. “Tell me please, tell me poochi for once.” I straightened my face. “Tell me once and I promise if you want, I won’t ask you again anything related to this?”  

Bus just put a break and I got little jump off my seat. I forced my eyes fully open as light was too much around. I tried figuring out with a look toward my right through the window. Poochi too was coming out of sleep and the bus was in a bus stand. “Where we have reached?” Poochi asked.  

“From where we started. No progress.” I taunted. I was irritated. Damn it was a dream. I should have pinched myself when she said that 143 to me. How come she said that all of a sudden?  

“What?” she said as she didn’t hear properly what I said keeping voice low and face away from her.  

“Let me check. Do you need anything?” I said getting up from my seat and scolding myself for my imagination far away from reality. A person seated alongside said.  

“Bhayiya aap abhi neend me kuch badbada rahe the(you were blabbering in your sleep.)”  

Along with silently scolding myself I silently scolded him too for his observation and due to my irritation. And just uttered a sorryout of my habit and went down from bus to get a water bottle and location name Poochi asked for.  

Thank god…

10 May

 

  

“Hi Raghu, Can you hear my voice …” 

“Ya buddy, you and your shitty mobile, why don’t you change this?” 

“I’ll be there in another 15 minutes.” 

“Ya, your 15 means half an hour, come buddy come, we are waiting for you.” And a burst of laugh followed. And there were two voices. I got sure, some surprise was waiting for me. 

Raghu … he is the best pal of mine in Chennai. He became the reason for me to enjoy a boring movie, sluggish weekends or hectic office hours. I have spent almost two years here and I am trying for a transfer from last one year. If ever I will feel bad about leaving this place, then it only means Raghu is still in Chennai. 

I opened the door. Sush and Raghu sung in unison “Baharo phool barsao … teesra fool aaya hai…” followed by a loud burst. 

Sush … He is third and most lovely person of our gang of 3 smart stupid’s. He is so talented yet so down to earth. I don’t know why all my friends are so talented. May be it’s because I am so idle, it’s as if skills are endowed all around me. Maybe we perceive the world as we are, which concludes that I too, have some talent. And then there is another theory that opposites attract means I’m good for nothing. I don’t know, I am a damn confused person when it comes to assessing myself.  Our bunch of great old soul’s left so many conflicting theories just to confuse us and yet surprisingly, all of them were successful. 

“What the hell are you doing here!!!” I said to Sush. 

“I told you this **** won’t guess I am here” Sush said to Raghu and both burst out in laugh again and I joined with a smile. Of course you don’t really laugh when you are at the receiving end unless you are really a **** as Sush just honored me. 

Raghu opened the bottle of whiskey or better say Scotch( as he says, “It’s a fine blend of whiskey”). and put it into three glasses. And we went into a fight. 

I don’t know what the hell was happening, when I came to Raghu’s flat it was daytime and I was sweating and just after a few minutes we are sitting or better say fighting, here, in my balcony. I came out of my thoughts, “Hell, I need to do something”. 

But before I could do something Raghu pushed Sush hard and he fell down from 2nd floor to ground floor. If only my roommate Moni had been there, Sush would have won 3000 which Moni put as a prize money for the person who will jump from balcony. 

We were running holding a stretcher on which Sush was lying with blood all over his body. And a song from the movie “3 Idiots” started playing in my mind, “chahe tujhko rab bula le … ham na rab se darne vale …” and I got some motivation from this awesome song and started pushing the stretcher even faster towards Operation theatre of Kamakshi hospital. I don’t know how we made it to Kamakshi from my flat. I don’t remember. May be I am forgetting too much these days. 

Mean while I looked at Raghu who was pushing stretcher along with me, and another line of the song played in my mind. 

“yaroon se rootha hai saale kyu………” 

We were near Sush, bandages on his head. He was breathing through his mask. A defibrillator was on one side of bed which was used on him a few minutes back. He was on life support system right now which was giving beep on regular intervals and I was looking at the monitor making graph of Sush’s heart beat. And I was hoping it should not draw a straight line just because it gets bored of drawing spikes and we will lose our lovely Sush. He suddenly opened his mouth and tried saying something … 

“ye dooriyaan in rahoon ki dooriyaan….” 

I went closer to him so that I can listen clearly to him, maybe he needs water. He again opened his mouth 

“kyu koi pass hai, door hai … kyu koi, jaane na mai hoon kaha pe…” 

Oh god this **** is singing a senty song in this condition… The monitor which was drawing spikes a few minutes back, started drawing Hearts and Cupids… Sush was coming back to normal. 

Wait a minute…this is the song I set for morning alarm.

 

I opened my eyes. It was damn dark in my room. My room mates were still sleeping. I snoozed the alarm. 

“Thank god …” 

“This **** Raghu should control his anger. He almost killed Sush, thank god… it was just a dream.” 

My head was still spinning like anything. 

“These late night movies… I should stop watching them. I cant go for a walk.” I said to myself. 

 

  

 “Oh god I have to take a pill again in the night or it will hurt again. I will kick start morning walks from tomorrow.” I lied to myself like I have been doing from last three days and went for a second round of sleep. With a hope that I will get a better sleep and no one will be killed this time. May be I should concentrate on Poochi(my girl friend) and get rid of these two **** in my dreams. May be ….. Zzzzz Zzzzz Zzzzz  “Hey Poochi, you know what … l Love you …(propose count went up by one)”, yeah …this is a better dream now … Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz. Somewhere in the far corner I heard some reply back… 

You Guessed It. “SHUT UP…………..” 

  

Shutup ……………..

6 May

We both were in a restaurant nearby IBM building. She was biting on her beloved burger. The way she ordered the burger, sounded to me like she was expressing her love for burger. And though it was not Shahid Kapoor, I was jealous of the burger right now. If only I had been a burger,  her lips would have been kissing all over my body. I was having a cappuccino. I don’t know when I developed a love for sugar less coffee and bitter cappuccino.

“What’s special about this cappuccino” she asked me giving a repelling look.

“Well it’s not as bad as you think… but surely as seducing as you are to me”, I played a little SRK smile on my face. She smiled back.

“I don’t believe”

“Well what part you don’t believe, cappuccino being seducing or you”.

“Both”,  she made a new emoticon with her face. And I thought of right clicking and saving it into my chat profile.

“I have a way to clear your doubts. You taste this cappuccino and tell me how you find it. And … about you … well may I…”

“Don’t even think about it …”

A little giggle by her followed by lovely abusing words and a pause… and she straightened her face

“…Sudhar ja(grow up)”

This “Sudhar ja” was the only thing she loves to say and I hate to hear because I know this is a hint she drops to me that she doesn’t want me to go for her and that it is going to end some day.

“But not now” , I said to myself and came back from my little daydream of “The judgement day”, the day she will be leaving me forever.

After a few minutes of silence she looked to me. “Say something … why are you staring at me continuously”

“ I love you” and I gave that SRK smile again to her while she smiled back.

“This is the 1000th time you are saying this to me…”

I actually stopped counting long back. The day I said “I love you” to her for the 100th time, I knew this count is going to challenge the arithmetic limit of biggest possible number ever named in mathematics. But I think her guess was somewhere near the count as of today.

“Oh hello! where are you lost? Ok, tell me what actually you like about me?” She forced that little math freak in me to shut down mode.

“This question is wrong… I like you…. I like everything about you.”

“I mean… tell me you love my hairs . You love my face, my smile. What actually you like about me?”

I personally didn’t like it when, sometime back,  she cut her long shiny black hairs. But then again, from the day I said “ I Love You” to her the first time, my love was on exponential rise. And now she was asking me to express it in straight lines.  “Can you see that building right there” I said.

“Ya that’s the IBM building. Everyone knows, but don’t change the topic. Mr Aashiq … you forgot what you like about me?” A naughty smile was all over her face and it was a sin for me to miss it. Some where I read …it takes 37 muscles to frown and 22 muscles to smile. And I was trying to figure out all 22 of them on her face which was now shining even more than I last saw her.

I started again “Listen … you know when that building was being planned. The owner came asking the architect : How many floors will be possible, how fast  elevators we will put there, what colors we will give to outer walls… And you know what architect replied … Sir would you first like to confirm how strong the base of this building is gonna be, so that all the floors you just built with all the walls you painted should not come down faster than the elevator you just fit in there.”

“What was that?” she made a face which I could read easily …was saying that she dint like the story …and that I am not answering her question.

I just gave another smile… looked into her eyes “Its not your hairs, Its not your face or the dresses you wear. You …are the one… I love…” the propose count goes up by one and I gave a pause to get a chance to silently admire her smile coming back to her face.

“Its you whom I love not your dress. I love you when you come in red. I love you when you come in white… And love you even more … when you come transparent” her little smile and shy face turned pink and mouth went wide open.

“Shut up …….. “ and a laugh of her followed.

And I loved it like just now she proposed me. Maybe this is the only way she knows to express her love. May be that’s why I make these little crap stories for her just to hear this “Shut up …” from her.

Maybe… I want to spend my life with her because she loves what I love. …I love her …and she loves herself… Our choice matches in some way.